Realising that I ordinarily mount a full-scale humourless attack on a hopelessly offensive article I thought it may be refreshing to publish a simple list of my current top five feminist irritations.
05. “Man-size” tissues – because men inevitably suffer from worse colds than women, and it would simply be indelicate for a lady’s dainty hand or face to be smothered by such a vulgar item.
04. Dog ball throwing sticks (for which this is clearly the technical name) – since, despite now being eligible to walk larger dogs (only if effectively mastered), women are wholly incapable of providing sufficient exercise for their pets without the aid of a plastic arm extension which, if released at the correct point in its trajectory, will throw a ball as far as a man could. Obviously, women never do this, which explains the short distances as opposed to it becoming a reflection on men’s abilities.
03. The gendered sections of The Times – must be destroyed, but this will take time.
02. Patronising winks – inspired by the related experiences of a friend of mine. The “little lady” or “pretty lady” approaches to winking are particularly unacceptable, and worsened when administered by strangers.
01. Outmoded chivalry – I don’t mind having a door opened for me when the person opening it is already ahead, or even just closer to the handle; I do mind, however, when it involves someone scurrying past me to do so and a noble stance being adopted in the process.